This Shabbat was a weird one. After meeting with the Chabad rabbi last week and not being able to get an answer about how much we should continue in our observance of Torah until we convert, it seemed wrong to make Kiddush on Erev Shabbat. This pained me a great deal and it was heartbreaking to explain this to my wife and even harder to have to enforce it. There was no Challah, no Kiddush, no Netilat Yadayim, only dvar Torah.
Why is this necessary? Well, what right do we have to do Jewish things? How can we claim for ourselves what was meant only for the Jewish people? Surely that is what the Christians/Messianics do based on their false belief that they are a part of Israel because they “believe in” Jesus. It is a hard reality to face for former Messianics who find that their love of Torah is wrapped up in a false messiah. Once they realize he’s not the guy, what do they have left? The Noachide laws? That won’t work for me.
I want my family to take the higher ground and do Jewish things because we’re Jewish, not because we are stealing. I want to be guided by a rabbi who can make our conversion the best possible experience so that we become holy Jews who have something to offer to Israel and to be a light to the Goyim.
My wife’s question from Friday night is still ringing in my ears: “What else are you going to take away?” How can I know? We need a guide so that we do this right. I don’t want to be stripped of everything but I also don’t want to be a liar and a thief. G-d help us and may we get answers soon!