The Talmud teaches (Psachim, 50b) “Right action for the wrong reason leads to right action for the right reason.” I’m noticing an uncomfortable feeling creeping in. Although my wife is coming along and asking questions and being open to talking, being caught in this “no man’s land” is difficult because it is hard to stay motivated to keep doing all of the rigorous observances of Torah with no community, no rabbi, and no friends to provide chizzuk.
I’m aware that in the past my observance of Torah was motivated out of love for G-d and I’m becoming aware of motivations that are more “down to earth” so to speak. I have derived satisfaction from my actions in the past. I’ve felt a sense of pride because I have belonged to something greater than myself. I have enjoyed the sense of belonging that “doing Torah” creates. The social aspects of Torah life are virtually absent for me right now and it is getting more difficult to sustain on my own.
I’m not worried about becoming an apostate, chas v’shalom. I’m just noticing little things that I’ve taken some leniency on that I wouldn’t have before. Part of this is waiting to be under the direction and care of a rabbi. But it’s also true that doing Torah in community is helpful and rewarding for me.
Am I alone in this too?