my first shabbat as a heretic
Today I sat in the midst of the little home chavurah I attend with my little “secret” boiling inside of me. At this point, only my wife knew of my realization that Jesus is not the messiah and we haven’t decided how to tell the group or how we will leave it. After much internal debate, I decided that I had to tell my best friend before we announced all of this to everyone else. I’ve known him for almost sixteen years. Our friendship did not begin based on religious ideals and I hope that it won’t end because of them. We’ll see. My stomach turned waiting for the time to pass and I felt more alone than ever.
He looked like got punched when I finally let it out after everyone had gone home. Then he immediately turned his concern to my wife (who was weeping beside me on the couch as our two-year old son played at our feet on the floor with a fire truck) and then he thought of the others in the group; how would this impact them? Will they continue on without us? And so on. Then came the questions. “What about other Jews who believe in him?” “Who do you think he is now?” “So you’re going to become an anti-missionary?”
All in all, it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. But then again, it takes time for people to adjust to this kind of thing. Sworn to secrecy he left with a half-hearted hug and I took a nap.